My across the street neighbor looks exactly how you would picture a woman of the old world to look. Crazy layers, little old woman face, so hunched over she'd be permanently looking at the ground if she held her neck straight.
I helped her change a light bulb on her porch once and she gave me a giant bouquet of roses from her yard. When Phinny was born, she shoved money in my hand and ran back across the street so fast I thought she was going to be taken out b y traffic. Once I looked out my window and saw her taking dead zucchini from my garden. Why she wanted dead vegetables is a whole other post. One that includes sorcery. Or stew, but sorcery is better.
On the 4th of July I was on my way out the door. I had Phin on my hip and the giant car seat by the straps on my opposite arm. Neighbor lady sees me and starts to wave frantically. Neighbor lady's son, who owns the house next to her, is standing on his front porch screaming a really brilliant string of obscenities into his phone. Not just an angry rant peppered with an occasional curse. More like 8000 curses with an occasional ''the' or 'up yours'.
I pretend to think she's just waving hello and give a quick wave before ducking into my car to load Phin.
"Meeeel-oh-knee, come here. Come! Come!"
"I'm actually on my way out.."
"Come now! Come!"
This is where I turn into a bad Mom. I come. Or go. Whatever.
"I come by your house this morning, but you not answer."
"Oh yeah, sorry. I was up at the lake all day."
At this point grown son is telling the person on the phone exactly what he can suck. If I were phone guy, I would decline.
"My son, he's very, very upset."
"I can see that. Well, I hope it all works out. I really have to be.."
"Maybe you talk to him?"
Son yells something about holes and blunt objects and death.
"You know, he looks really busy. Maybe another time?"
"Come look at my flowers. Do you have Mother?"
Phin is staring at son now. Transfixed.
"Yup, I have a mother." Son looks like one of the cast members of Jersey Shore 20 years from now. "I really have to get going, my brother and sister in law are waiting."
"You have brother? Come let's stand by Angelo."
Crazy son has a name. I do not want to stand by crazy, shirtless, screaming Angelo.
I follow.
"I pick flowers for your family. Then tomorrow, for you."
"I, uh"
Angelo hangs up. Throws phone. Grunts. Spits.
"Angelo! Come. This is Meeee loh knee. She has Mother and brother. Maybe father?
"Yeah, I ha.."
"Melanie! Angelo. So good to meet you! I always see you and your little one puttering on in your front yard. So, so cute." Alright. Angelo is talking in crazy man sweet voice. I take a step back.
"I'm so sorry you had to hear that call." I didn't, psycho. "You know, insurance companies. People you want to kill. Right?"
It just keeps going. Angelo tries to tell me every gory detail of his recent car accident. Angelo tries to tell me about the auto repair shop he was just talking with. Angelo wants to talk about cars in general. I keep trying to leave. Neighbor lady keeps shoving more and more flowers in my hand. Phin manages to wrestle free and bolt for the street. Apparently taking his chances with traffic seems better than any more Angelo. I grab Phin by the arm and he throws himself on the grass screaming.
I feel you Phin. I wonder how many sweet peas I could shove in Angelo's mouth before he would stop talking. I assess the yard. I don't think there's enough.
"Do you have a husband Melanie?"
"YES!"
Too loud, too enthusiastic. Neighbor lady stops cutting. Angelo is silenced.
"Great husband, he's just, uh, a really great husband. I'm so sorry, I really have to go. People are waiting."
"I'll bring more flower tomorrow. Go! Give to your Mother."
My Mom is in Hawaii.
"I'll go give them to her now, she'll love them!" A few feet away, Angelo's phone rings in the grass. I bolt.
And that my friends, is why I think you should avoid meeting your neighbors.
