The art of calling in. Aka, really bad advice

source

It is an art and if you have ever, ever had a job you know I’m right.

I’m talking about the days you are really sick. Or your kid is. Or your brain is because you know those days happen and you’d be a total waste of a human body at work that day. It’s on those days that you have to assess the situation and make contact with the office. Let’s review.

The obvious sick.

Your voice is gone, you can hardly take a breath and just the sound of you attempting to talk brings tears to the most hardcore CEO’s eyes. Call. Leave a message on the office voicemail, call a co-workers cell phone, let them hear exactly what could happen to them if you bring your body full of mucus within a hundred feet of the office. Take their sick day blessing. No need to over do it folks. If you are puking your brains out, wait until you’re taking a breather. Puking while calling does not garner sympathy, it will make it so no one will ever, ever taste your amazing enchiladas at an office potluck again.

Take heed, you should never attempt to fake sick voice. It’s beyond obvious. Fake cough is even worse. Fake dry heave? Do that one, it’ll make your co-workers laugh. At you.

The invisible sick.

You threw out your back, your head feels like it will explode, etc., etc. There is no benefit to calling unless you just have to give the details of your current injury. Boss can’t hear your twisted muscle homie. Unless you’re groaning but that’s a slippery slope my friend. Send a text if you can do that sort of thing. An email works if you have to leave work day instructions. That’s the road we take most often around these parts. “On brink of death. Will be in tomorrow.” Or even, “Moved bed into bathroom, purchased stock in Kleenex, think I just saw the cat I buried in the backyard three years ago.  See you Monday.” Tell the truth my friends.

The Monday/Friday sick.

Call in around the weekend and no one will believe you. Maybe it’s all in my head, but if you feel the guilt of having a health failure on the heads or tails of a weekend you can always do the in person call in. If you feel you are capable of making it in without infecting the masses, you can make an appearance. This is my least favorite method. It does allow for you to get a couple of things done and lessens your use of sick time if you take it by the hour but this is a dangerous dance. You risk infecting a co-worker. Bad. You risk making the impression that you are, in fact, healthy enough to work and feeling the wrath of an unconvinced colleague when you return. Even worse. Proceed with caution.

Tell me, any calling in advice? Even better, fantastic calling in stories? I have some of those. Ones that involve me asking my Mom to hit me with our family car, or have I already gone there with you guys? Share.

We're sick and drugged and not so happy

I'm sick. Phin's sick and I'm pretty sure Lesco is on the verge. Really, he's not allowed. There would be no one to take care of us. On top of that, I'm in the midst of weaning Phin and while he doesn't really care, my body is pissed. Apparently it liked looking like a lopsided, retired pornstar with a gut. Suck it up body, I'm sick of getting checked out by the homeless dude at 7-11.

Sick Phin blows snot bubbles and I think it's cute. That's right. My child's snot is not gross. Bam.


So while I wish I felt up to taking Phin to the park or cleaning my bathroom, I'm pretty content buried under quilts on the couch with Lesco plays with the monster. Right now Phin is using the dog leash to tie up Daddy. Been there, done that kid. It just means he's not available to make us lunch and I could really go for some mac and cheese.


Because my child would happily stay outside every second of his life we took him to the park on his actual birthday. Still can't believe I have a one year old. And a husband. And a dog and a cat. Old. Need proof? I shook my fist a jaywalker yesterday and called him a dumb kid. I used to be a dumb kid! Now I'm a dumb Mom.

Sorry, can't focus. Too much Nyquil PM. (Yay for finally being able to take good drugs again!!) Park was fun.

New kind of sick day

Dear Monster,


Despite mommy calling in sick no longer meaning jammies, the couch and a jersey shore marathon, we've had a very good day.


Instead of cuddling with my puppy dog Liza, I cuddled you.

We played while I changed your diaper. A risky move, but it paid off with lots of smiles.

I let you eat skulls. Monsters aren't scared of other monstery things. They just pick fights and lucky for you, the one with hands usually wins.

I have tried to make this place a bit more homey for you. Added some things from your natural habitat.

I love you monster. Even though you are probably the one who got me sick.