10 signs of the impending holiday

Christmas is almost here humans. I provide pictorial evidence.

Tree is up, decorated and currently there are no ornaments in the bathtub. Bam.

Snowflakes are hung and and Phin only tried to eat the scissors once twice. But I retrieved them super fast with mad skills that make the dudes in the Matrix look like the 3g. Dudes, I'm the 4s.

I don't care if there are teeth marks in 3 out of 5 candles. That's a classy candelabra. It makes me feel like I should be lighting candles on my tree and making plum pudding. Clearly I'm wearing velvet in this scenario.

Nativity moved up three feet this year for safety reasons. We want Joseph to make it. And hey, if you send me a nativity card, it'll go up on the wall. I love and save them forever ever. Forever ever? Forever ever. I hope that song is in your head til New Years.

Just to stay on that theme, Phin's set isn't doing nearly as well. All we have left is a cow, a couple of birds on a stack of hay, one wise man, one shepherd and Joseph. Last time I saw Mary she was taking a bath in the dog's water. We must reunite this family in the next week. If anyone has seen a plastic baby with a halo.....

We're all about garland in this house. Every season, new garland. This one is a total fire hazard. Note to the masses, avoid buying fresh garland in November. Misting doesn't help, it just screws your paint job.

I have done zero baking so far. Luckily my husband rocks at everything. Like baking cookies and building fences. He also starts businesses and puts a baby to bed like a boss. Jealous? Me too. I suck. Which technically makes him the sucker for marrying me. So haha Jared, I win.

The Avon mouse calendar. 1987. Had one growing up and still have to fight Jared every day to move it. Real mature Lesco. I know you read this. Sadly I'm losing the battle, but the day changes in 28 minutes and guess who's still up. 8 up yo.

Poinsettias are out but I have mixed feelings. I freaken hate these plants. What are you supposed to do with them after Christmas? They aren't the kind of plant you leave out all year and they refuse to die. I had one live for two years. I hated it with an unnatural passion. I had to go on vacation and leave my sister in charge of my plants to finally be done with the thing. Thank you for having the blackest of thumbs little sis.

Stocking is hung. Ready to be filled. Hear that Santa? I'm so not like those pissy Best Buy moms. Do your best work, I have no desire to compete.

+ Linking with E but I can't get the friggen button to work.

Treeeeeeeeee Mama

The tree is up. This is big news around these parts. Phin’s whole world is rocked. He thought trees were an outside thing that stood for fresh air and freedom, oh sweet freedom. Now he sees that his all-powerful Mom can even wrestle one of those beasts inside when it gets too cold out.  That’s right Phin, don’t mess.

We picked it up from a one man tree lot. It’s organic. For real, that’s how this young entreepreneur pitched it. Like how I did that with that extra e there? No? Stop it. It’s clever.

Organic with organic bugs.

I was like, chill tree guy. I don’t care if those spiders are made of man engineered corn and high fructose corn syrup. You just happen to have the best tree in the city. In the world.

Then tree guy gave us a stand while I tried to avoid making eye contact with that guy who made me pee under my desk that one time. Yeah he just happened to be the only other person at the lot. On a Monday. At two. What the f?

He didn’t spoil our good time though. Jared tried to haggle and because I love me a small business I totally ruined his game. This did not please him. But he took a swig of hot cocoa out of Phin’s sippy cup (yeah, you read that right. Shame.) and put on a happy face while it was strapped to the car. Sadly we came in second place in the tree to car ratio contest. Only disappointment of the afternoon.

Phin’s reaction is truly the cutest thing in the world. That is no exaggeration my friends. He is in awe. I plug it in before I pull him out of his crib in the morning so we can feel all homey and cozy before we go face the world for the day. We step out in the living room and he whispers “Treeeeeee. Mama. Treeeee.” Then we both just stand there and stare at the beautiful thing in silence. Pretty much the best five minutes of my day.

So far all the ornaments have survived. I know, it’s early. Glass has been moved up three feet and shatterproof decor hangs out near the bottom. We’ve pretty much welcomed this tree as a temporary member of the family. We’re in love.

Crap.

But it's a stunner.

Oh Christmas Tree

I cry all the time. I love crying. Sad news articles, goopey commercials, good books, pictures of bears trying to climb into tiny buckets. Tears. Last year my fave was some jewelry commercial where a mom was rocking her new babe by the tree. I would rewind it over and over if I wanted a good cry. If Jared even attempted to interrupt my tear fest I would throw anything within arms reach to shut him up. My animals learned to duck and cover. My husband never learned anything. Too wild to tame.

In my head I could just see myself with my sweet little babe the next year. Well it happened tonight. My perfect little monster was mad and growly and on the verge of burning down a church so I walked him around the tree and sang pretty little songs. He fell asleep on my shoulder and I wanted to freeze time right there. My baby, my tree, my cold December night. My baby. I know tomorrow when I'm at work or next month or year or decade when I'm having a gray day I'll close my eyes and think of right then and feel much warmer.

Our not so little Christmas tree. :)