I'm starting this blog to document the taming of monster Phineas. I should start by laying out the evidence that leads me to believe I should demand a blood test for my offspring to prove once and for all he is, in fact, a monster.
1) Monsters live in dangerous places. Monsters don't set up house in homes with white picket fences. That's why ours is black. We want to keep this monster happy. He has always chosen dark scary places. Like my uterus, full of fibroids and a little bit cramped. Kicking Mommy's bladder = normal rascally baby. Kicking Mommy's fibroid = monster.
2) Monster's plan surprise attacks. Phinny was supposed to be a Cinco de Mayo baby. Brilliant. I'll never have to search for a pinata on his birthday and I make a mean enchilada . Birthdays one through eighteen done. Don't try to tell me a 16 year old boy doesn't want to whack a sombrero and collect gobstoppers. Phin decided he wanted to start terrorizing the world in March. I hate March. I complained loudly about the month of March many times throughout my pregnancy, but monsters don't care. They don't care that their room isn't ready or that you had an appointment to meet potential pediatricians next week. Monsters plan on eating the doctor anyway. The whole time I was in labor I complained that I couldn't have a baby that day. I was on my lunch break. I left my computer on. There is no reasoning with monsters.
3)Monsters don't require sleep. If you think that monsters sleep during the day and hunt at night, you're wrong. Monsters hide among normal happy humans in the light and learn their ways. Then at night they stay up and use this knowledge to destroy everyone around them. My monster is an expert. He can tantalize everyone with his brilliant spit bubbles and happy squeals. No need to nap, he's got to much to do. Then night, then monster.
And he growls. First sound my baby learned to mimic. GRRRRRRRRR.
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