The art of calling in. Aka, really bad advice

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It is an art and if you have ever, ever had a job you know I’m right.

I’m talking about the days you are really sick. Or your kid is. Or your brain is because you know those days happen and you’d be a total waste of a human body at work that day. It’s on those days that you have to assess the situation and make contact with the office. Let’s review.

The obvious sick.

Your voice is gone, you can hardly take a breath and just the sound of you attempting to talk brings tears to the most hardcore CEO’s eyes. Call. Leave a message on the office voicemail, call a co-workers cell phone, let them hear exactly what could happen to them if you bring your body full of mucus within a hundred feet of the office. Take their sick day blessing. No need to over do it folks. If you are puking your brains out, wait until you’re taking a breather. Puking while calling does not garner sympathy, it will make it so no one will ever, ever taste your amazing enchiladas at an office potluck again.

Take heed, you should never attempt to fake sick voice. It’s beyond obvious. Fake cough is even worse. Fake dry heave? Do that one, it’ll make your co-workers laugh. At you.

The invisible sick.

You threw out your back, your head feels like it will explode, etc., etc. There is no benefit to calling unless you just have to give the details of your current injury. Boss can’t hear your twisted muscle homie. Unless you’re groaning but that’s a slippery slope my friend. Send a text if you can do that sort of thing. An email works if you have to leave work day instructions. That’s the road we take most often around these parts. “On brink of death. Will be in tomorrow.” Or even, “Moved bed into bathroom, purchased stock in Kleenex, think I just saw the cat I buried in the backyard three years ago.  See you Monday.” Tell the truth my friends.

The Monday/Friday sick.

Call in around the weekend and no one will believe you. Maybe it’s all in my head, but if you feel the guilt of having a health failure on the heads or tails of a weekend you can always do the in person call in. If you feel you are capable of making it in without infecting the masses, you can make an appearance. This is my least favorite method. It does allow for you to get a couple of things done and lessens your use of sick time if you take it by the hour but this is a dangerous dance. You risk infecting a co-worker. Bad. You risk making the impression that you are, in fact, healthy enough to work and feeling the wrath of an unconvinced colleague when you return. Even worse. Proceed with caution.

Tell me, any calling in advice? Even better, fantastic calling in stories? I have some of those. Ones that involve me asking my Mom to hit me with our family car, or have I already gone there with you guys? Share.