While raising a monster you sometimes have the misfortune of running into competitive and obnoxious parents of normal children. I have encountered this a bit in the past at work with parents insisting their five years olds are advanced enough to be in the high school level summer camp, but it’s worse when your toting around a real live monster. This happened to me while buying diapers the other day. It started off innocent enough.
“Oh your baby is so cute! How old?”
“Thank you, he’s seven ½ months.”
“Wow, he’s a huge baby! So much bigger than my nine month old.”
What I wanted to say is, no he’s not you weirdo. My baby has big fat misleading cheeks but he’s barely made it on the growth chart. He is a small baby and while I shouldn’t care that you think he’s some oversized jumbo babe, which would be fine, it annoys me that you are comparing our children. Really though, I just say,
“Really? He’s only in the 5th percentile. Hmmm.”
“Oh well maybe it’s just the car seat. Is he crawling yet.”
“Just starting.”
“My baby started crawling at six months. She’s pretty advanced.”
“Oh, yup, mines not crawling yet, but he’s been cruising around furniture for a while now. And surfing. Did I mention my baby surfs? He loves it so much, just a little less than rock climbing. Loooves rock climbing. They’re doing a spread on him next month in Outside magazine. Rock climbing and surfing, it’s all I ever hear about. Oh yeah, did I tell you he talks? He’s been doing that since he was in utero. Soo hard to sleep when your baby is yelling at you from the inside about all that Mexican you just had. Can’t even use the restroom in peace. These days I just pass him a Russian novel to keep him quiet for a couple of hours. He loves his Turgenev! But yeah, not crawling yet. Can I get the receipt in the bag?”
“Oh your baby is so cute! How old?”
“Thank you, he’s seven ½ months.”
“Wow, he’s a huge baby! So much bigger than my nine month old.”
What I wanted to say is, no he’s not you weirdo. My baby has big fat misleading cheeks but he’s barely made it on the growth chart. He is a small baby and while I shouldn’t care that you think he’s some oversized jumbo babe, which would be fine, it annoys me that you are comparing our children. Really though, I just say,
“Really? He’s only in the 5th percentile. Hmmm.”
“Oh well maybe it’s just the car seat. Is he crawling yet.”
“Just starting.”
“My baby started crawling at six months. She’s pretty advanced.”
“Oh, yup, mines not crawling yet, but he’s been cruising around furniture for a while now. And surfing. Did I mention my baby surfs? He loves it so much, just a little less than rock climbing. Loooves rock climbing. They’re doing a spread on him next month in Outside magazine. Rock climbing and surfing, it’s all I ever hear about. Oh yeah, did I tell you he talks? He’s been doing that since he was in utero. Soo hard to sleep when your baby is yelling at you from the inside about all that Mexican you just had. Can’t even use the restroom in peace. These days I just pass him a Russian novel to keep him quiet for a couple of hours. He loves his Turgenev! But yeah, not crawling yet. Can I get the receipt in the bag?”
Don't let that random stranger bother you! You have the most adorable son ever, and as you know, I know a ton of babies, lol. Next time put her in her place, she needs to learn early so when she calls you in 4 years trying to get her daughter into Kids U she is not shocked when she is...DENIED! lol. However, for you wonderful, amamzing, advanced monster, exceptions will be made, he may be teaching the surfing class! :)
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